Allowing My Body To Be Part Of My Journey

This blog post has been inspired by a post I came across on Instagram from @mamafindinghermagic in which she spoke of the importance of loving our bodies. Loving MY body was a foreign concept to me for the majority of my life.

The body was the enemy. The body was where war was taking place, why would I ever LOVE that? The body was being twisted and turned and morphed in to a vessel that resembled that of an individual decades my senior. By not acknowledging my body it was easier to rebound from bullies taunting comments. "Hey, freak! What the Hell is wrong with your hands? Are you an alien?" "Hey Fat Ass, nice glasses, you look retarded." Those taunts would cut me from age 7 until I was in high school. Not everyone I encountered would hurl those hateful words but unfortunately it was the hateful words that stuck with me. |So, I adapted young. I would make fun of my own differences before anyone else could. I learned to disassociate. If I was not PART of my body it wouldn't hurt when an ignorant bully threw insults.

For me, it was easier to focus on the thing I knew I COULD control; my mind and my voice. I believed that those parts were the only parts of my body that were safe from R.A."No matter what, I always have my brain and my ability to communicate through speech." Anything below my jaw was out of my control.

So, for 30+ years my body was not part of my being. I would look in a mirror and only see my face, and my hair. THOSE parts I could control. At doctors appointments I would speak of my body as if it wasn't mine. "That right knee is still swelling and aching. The index finger on the left hand has continued to deviate." Talking in very clinical terms allowed me to disconnect and the absence of ownership words such as my, mine and I made it easier to achieve total disassociation. A phrase Like, "I have been having trouble with my..." was never used..

A child will adapt quickly and I did. I remained happy go lucky, funny and witty while ignoring the state of my body. In my 20s I completely ignored my rheumatoid arthritis, stopped nearly all medication and neglected my eye health. It wasn't until a major flare began at the age of 27 destroying the vision I had retained in my left eye that I decided to return to my ophthalmologist and resume taking care of my vision. The rest of my body remained ignored. I convinced myself that I could not control what was happening and the word "can't" entered my vocabulary.

"I would go for a walk but I can't"

My arthritis became my excuse and the relationship I was in at the time encouraged that. I would sit in a wheelchair while shopping. I avoided activities and closed myself off more and more. My weight escalated as I found solace in late night snacking and fast food. After 7 horrible years my relationship fell apart and I chose ME. I moved back to the home I grew up in and reset myself. As I made plans for my future and worked on weight loss I continued to ignore my body. I focused on mental growth by returning to school. I walked intermittently, but wasn't able to reach a level of exercise I wanted to. I was not seeing a rheumatologist. I spent days in pain and battled headaches brought on by the RA in my neck. I was trying but it wasn't working. My body was still not part of ME.

Then an amazing thing happened, I fell in love. Really in Love. I met my soulmate and a reason to feel better sprang from within. Through my new loves encouragement I returned to a rheumatologist I had seen when I was a young adult. My new rheumy began a treatment that included methotrexate and a year later added a biologic called Humira. Within weeks I was moving better, my joint swelling decreased considerably and morning stiffness subsided. I felt.

For the first time I actually FELT my body without pain. I actually felt my body and the weight I was carrying due to years of disassociation. I could no longer blame my lack of mobility on arthritis. I looked at my body and decided to claim it. To let it be a part of MY being. It was time to uncover the body hidden by 37 years of denial and to shed the pounds that had been added. As the weight comes off I feel better, I have more energy and my mobility improves.

Do I love my body?

I am learning to. It is a daily process and a daily decision. I no longer see my body as the war zone and I treat it with respect. I try to give my body the best fuel it needs to run efficiently and clean. As I write that sentence I realize it still lacks total ownership......

I am working on it.